Please, let me fuck your mom
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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