at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
