Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
