I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
