i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
