There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
