I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
