ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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