I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
