I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
There are leaves in my underwear?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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