you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
