Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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