You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
my poor anus
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
