Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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