Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
