If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
