you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
