Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Randomize
