we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
