i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
