Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
