HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
