I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
