my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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