i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
