Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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