Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
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No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize