1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
