Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
