Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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