and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
