Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
