nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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