Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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