Having a random hookup so left but love u
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
