We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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