I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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