Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
These tits shall not be calmed
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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