I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
