meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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