She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
