Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
