I wish life had little blips of pornography
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
