My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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