i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
