It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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