She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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