she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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