saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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