all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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