walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
