nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
