She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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