Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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