I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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