I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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